My life

So, my grandmother died, and it was sad. And I'm still sad. I'm sadder now than I was at home at the funeral, at any rate. Which feels weirds. Watched Old Yeller on TV on Saturday and that was kind of upsetting.

I have to get a new job. Even at three days a week at my temp job, I'm done, I'm really done, and I'm also afraid to be found out and fired, as I have no real idea what I've been doing the past 7 months, nor do I care. And I don't do any of the work, really, that I should be doing. But I'm scared of waiting tables. I'm scared to drop something and break a plate.

I haven't directed a show in almost a year and half. I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. I am so scared of this show, where it's going or not going, how do I control it or not control it. How do I direct it? When so much of this directing feels like it's happening outside of the room? As I've said before, it's the hardest and the easiest thing I will ever do. I'm really, really scared of it this time, and I'm feeling a little bit like my life is falling apart. Not over the show, totally, but I can't seem to get myself in order. I think, really really, I need to get out of this job ASAP.

Public news: Passing Strange is amazing. Also: I don't get to go to the opening night of Passing Strange. That is also really upsetting. What am I doing? Why does it always feel like when someone asks me that question, or when I ask myself that question, that I don't have an affirmative answer? That the answer is always in the negative: Well I don't really do anything. There isn't much for me to do. Instead of, I am doing, there is all this stuff to do, etc. Why does that feel like my life?

I miss my friends:
I would the friends we miss were safe arrived. (Malcolm, who kind of sucks)



Life is a mistake only art can correct. This will prove a brave kingdom to me, where I shall
have my music for nothing.